Here’s a few fun things to do in case you get bored of booze, food and partying over the Holiday season.

(IF EASILY OFFENDED, Please … JUST GO AWAY NOW … =8)

You can learn how to play a BUTT HARP
This instrument of pleasure is a round ball (possibly the size of a golf ball) and a string that is attached to the ball. The object of the game is to insert the ball into another’s asshole and then use a bow (from a violin or a cello) and play the string. The vibrations caused are quite pleasurable.
I’ve also heard of a metal ball that has a hole for an acoustic bass guitar string in it that you connect to some electric source, and the other end to the person involved for electro stimulation of the anatomy in question. I bet this could be combined with the bow to get some interesting effects. The electric butt harp. Too bad Jimi Hendrix is not here to play it.

Who could resist the best-selling home version of DUCK JOBS
Don’t confuse this with the Classic-New Orleans “Duck-job”, popularized in the Bordellos of that town at the turn of the last century. The “Duck-job” was performed by the “john” impaling the duck in the egg canal, holding it firmly by the wings, and then having an assistant cut off the ducks head. Tales of one person duck-jobs exist, but apparently it required considerable dexterity to avoid cutting oneself. Anyway the resultant death-throws, accompanied by much flapping and kicking, was reputed to be a favourite kink amongst those who had become jaded by the standard fare of hookers. I have it on good authority (from a member of one of the federal security agencies) that you can do this alone by slamming the head of the duck in a drawer at the right moment (reputedly “you get more action that way.”)

Looking for a new solitary sexual sensation but can’t afford an Accu-Jac™? Then EARTHWORMING could be just the thing for you!
Collect a handful of earthworms (or visit your local bait shop and purchase a pound of night crawlers). Place said nematodes into a plastic sandwich bag. Add a quarter-cup of salad oil and knead lightly to distribute the oil evenly. Plunge your dick right in! And when you’re done, you can conveniently add the contents of the bag to one of the family’s favourite of breakfast entrees … the omelette. (Alternatively you can fuck a jar full of worms, for best result stick the worms in the microwave first so they burst and you’ll have one of the slipperiest fucks ever!)

Ever rising in popularity is a game known as FISHBOWLING
NO, you don’t hurl a ball down an alley to bowl trout over. In this exotically erotic pastime, the head is inserted in an appropriately sized genuine fishbowl. The one you love stands above you and defecates onto the fishbowl so that the logs may be seen by you, up close and personal, as they drool down the sides of the bowl. Supposedly works best in a threesome situation while the person on their back receives simultaneous oral sex.

The fastest growing amusement of the last decade of the century … LARD SHAGGING
Worker in a fast-food restaurant everywhere, are taking cardboard containers of lard, punching a dick-sized hole in the side, fucking the hole, then replacing the container on the shelf to be used in cooking. Ah yes, a good one, as some have a glans too sensitive for the juices in melons or pumpkins in which it it also customary among lonely men to drill fuck orifices.

On those cold nights when you just can’t seem to find a way to stay warm … NOSTRILLATIO
Close one of your nostrils with a finger, and poke a bit around your partners slime slit with your nose, while you mumble words of affection. Then place your open nostril over her clit and violently snort it up while at the same time you start head banging to queued music. Anything really heavy does it best, like Metallica. The broad will experience the wildest orgasms, and you might even be rewarded with a wet vaginal ejaculation right in the mouth. It is said to enhance her pleasure if you have a stuffy, runny nose kind of cold. Works best with long clitorises. Half an inch is generally regarded as minimum in the business, but a fully erect big pink one incher is fabulous. The way that baby flops around in the jet stream of a good snort is simply amazing.

A fun amusement using balloons … VAGINAL INFLATION, CUNNIBUBBLING, and also known as PUSSY POPPING
One of my friends told me that someone who knows her drug dealer’s girlfriend’s father’s ex wife told my friend’s cousin, or was it my cousin’s friend …. anyway … I heard that women could get unspeakable pleasure if you inflate a balloon to bursting inside her vagina. But they would have to be the long thin ones, used to make balloon animals, so as to derive the maximum pleasure. Just think about it… stick it in her vagina all the way up to the opening of the balloon and then slowly inflate. While it inflates, the length of it will slowly drive her into unbearable ecstasy! If she hasn’t had an orgasm by the time it’s fully inflated, slide it in and out for a while until she’s about to have one. Then just as she’s about to have it, stick a pin in it so it blows up while still inside her! It’ll send her WAY over the top!

And finally, how about the ever popular and pleasurable diversion offered by the act of COW CUNNILINGUS
You ever seen a cow shit? That slack, gaping cloacum just yawning open, the pungent brown sludge lazily oozing out? Well, you know that cows don’t have vaginas, just the one multi-purpose orifice. Imagine going out in a field, naked, looking forward to performing cunnilingus, say … on that attractive Hereford you’d noticed while driving by. The one with lots of flies buzzing around it’s ass. Other cows curiously gather around when you find her and dive right at her opening. The hole is so big you can almost put your whole head in there, and you’re just busily licking away, occasionally pulling out a bemired head to breathe, jacking off with one hand, when the cow just casually dumps a reeeally messy, sticky hot load right into your face. The semi-liquid sewage forces its way in your mouth, up your nostrils, down your throat, and the anus contracts, sucking your head inside, and you’re trapped, asphyxiating, coming in spurts as you die, and your naked, cum-soaked corpse is dragged around the pasture by the head in the cow’s rectum until your parents come out in a few days, scaring off the vultures and crows, and find it.

Can you imagine what it’d sound like if you snuck up behind somebody with his head up a cow’s arse and kicked him in the balls? I’d advise having a tape recorder handy, because I’m sure the resulting muffled yelp would have an extravagantly unique and delicate timbre to it.

=8)