First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club.

Perfect Match
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a Chiropractor and she’s a pain in the neck.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a funny old goat and she’s a great kidder.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He doesn’t have a dollar and she has no sense.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He sells balloons for a living and she’s full of hot air.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s bow-legged and she’s straight as an arrow.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a Geologist and she’s got rocks in her head.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . She’s a Math teacher and he’s a guy with a lot of problems.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . He’s a night watchman and she’s never worked a day in her life.
.
They’re a perfect match. . . She’s a Geometry teacher and he knows all the angles.

If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.

I'm running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

MsBehaved13 said:

So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

Priorities!

MsBehaved13 said:

It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...

Love the muse, made me chuckle. 

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."

http://img.pr0gramm.com/2013/04/6958-ffc9-500.gif

Men..........If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy.

Thought I would share this with you for a morning smile.  Came accross this a couple of years ago in the infamous "Dear Abby column"

Enjoy......

Dear Abby: 

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. 
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and 
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we 
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and 
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. 

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation. 

I headed straight out the front door............... 
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a 
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" 
was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that the 
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom? 

Signed, 

Confused

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

I was at Oasis on Friday night.  What a night.  Anyone from CP there?  If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

Hmmmm.. I think they left out the best one.. Latex & Leather!

Top 10 porn search words in the world........ go figure

http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/revealed-10-most-popular-porn-searches-america-and-world

So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

 Guys If a Woman shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows you.

I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

It's a man's job to respect a woman. But, it's a woman's job to give him something to respect...

Who came up with the brilliant idea of moving the clocks forward on the weekend...in the middle of the night?? Why not move them ahead on a Friday around 4PM?

We have known Paul (Max Hardcore) for years! The man really is crazy! When we are at conventions, we try and stay away from him ;)

This is a total train wreck.  Certainly don't want to offend anyone.  Thought I would share here...

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/jlev3msyth60oar/The%20Trainwreck%20of%20all%20Trainwrecks.mp4

 

Let me know your thoughts.

 Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I'd like to read a medication bottle that says "May Cause Multiple Orgasms"

I know, I know.... The Harlem Shake thing is quite annoying.  But here is a better swing on it..... Enjoy

https://www.dropbox.com/s/17rrqe2oter7z60/Harlem%20Shake.mp4?m

I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia, fcuk.

Today is going to be one of "those" days.  I can feel it.  Sometimes I wake up grumpy.....today I let him sleep in.  

At least I have something to be thankful for.  I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

 Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!

You are so freaking funny. I come in here all the time looking for more.
Thanks, Ruthy

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
like some more.

 

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

 

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

 

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

 

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of
underarm deodorant.”

 

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say
they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
-Johnny Carson

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

What do u call a brunette standing between 2 blonde’s?

– an interpreter.

_______________________________________________

Why do blonde’s wear panties?

– to keep their ankles warm.

 

 

You all know the rest…

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope, suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn’t happen the rope would break and everyone would
perish.

 

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

ii>

The blondes applauded

 

…blonde jokes can we post? Short or long add yours to the list and see just how many we can find!

 

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Montreal and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I have learned to speak ‘blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her First Class isn’t going to Montreal.

 

” A blond goes into the library – walks up to the librarian and yells “I’ll have a hamburger and fries’ … the librarian looks at her and says ‘emmm, this is a library’ …. the blond looks a little confused, and apologetic … leans over and whispers ever so quietly ‘ohhh sorry, can I have a milkshake with that too’

 

One liners.

The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile…

 

If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all the condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it? a fuckin goodyear!

 

Sex is like playing spades. If u don’t have a good partner, u better have a good hand.

 

Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says!

 

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy!

 

Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

The 1st Affair 

 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You Lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

 

The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

 

The 3rd Affair 

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

‘I have something to show you that you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

 

The 4th Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

 

The 5th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.

‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

 

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted,

‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

  

This story was first posted by our friend Firebird a few years ago on our other site. I am reposting it here together with Firebird's original comments.

 

RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back..

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen..

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”..

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off..

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”..

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was ‘Always’..

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her..

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”..

Firebird introduced these great one liner with these words. . .

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was clean, suggestive and he was a great entertainer.

A re-run of great ‘one liner’s’ from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. . .Can’t you just hear him say all of these? I love it……..these were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words… “God Bless” with a big smile on his face.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Does that mean that abstinence makes sex grow stronger?