Just a little warning...... If I takes off my heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

Good Morning MsBehaved13 

Just a suggestion. . . But if you were to post your one line zingers into a new thread here on this Funny Bone forum, then it would be a permanent part of our collection of your wonderful wit and they will also post to the home page automatically for all to see until they sink out of sight. It would be a shame to loose sight of these wonderous funnies. :D

 

Hi just wanted to let you know that this is a totally free and open website and we are looking to promote the entire spectrum of adult sexual pleasures.
I think your topi is so very worthwhile I am making it a sticky.

Wanted to introduce myself.  I'm fortunate enough that I have a great job in the fetish industry.  Each and everyday is a new adventure.  Which in turn gives me ample material to post.  Facebook has restricted what I am allowed to.  I'm hoping here I can just be 100% open.  If I offend anyone, it is not my intent.  Please pm me and I will certainly remove my post.  The other great thing about my work is that I get asked to help in the developement in many lifestyle web-sites.  Here is a post from a really handsome guy on a dating site.  I nearly fell off my chair reading this so I thought I would share.

 

SWM in boring job seeks whiny shrew for co-dependency, tepid sex, and shouting matches. I enjoy drinking, petty theft, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I like to run with scissors. I love to give compliments that prominently display my gender stereo-types. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their employment, and social skills. Everything I need to know about life I got from watching Jerry Springer. In my free time I have written a thesaurus that included an emphasis on the most useful curses. I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.

YOU: You are a man-hating, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations. Over time you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sh*ty bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by a loud screaming match and culminating in an ashtray blow to the head - yours or mine, it doesn't really matter. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into alcoholism and pills. Age unimportant, but I often condescend to women under 22 and rehash mother issues with women over 43. Serious replies only, please.

Licks & Kisses

MsB.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with
the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, “What do you have under the newspaper?”
“A bird,” the guy replied.
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the police asked him what happened,the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,”What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a pause, the girl replied, “To him?
Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

Moral of the story, never lie to kids.

Once upon a time in a farm owned by a rich farmer there was a horse and a chick, who were great friends. One day while playing in the mud the horse slipped badly and got stuck in a large hole. The chick hurried back to the farm, drove the farmer’s BMW, pulled out a thick rope and tied one end to the car and threw the other end insite the pit. The horse held on to the rope and the chick drove the horse to safety.
A few days later just the reverse happenned. Of course the hole size was much smaller but the chick got totally stuck in that. The horse thought over deeply for a minute and then simply placed one hind leg across the hole and asked the chick to hang onto his ‘thingy’. The chick followed his friends instuctions and the horse pulled out the scared chick to safety.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are hung like a horse, you do not need a BMW to pick up a chick.

A couple gets pulled over on the hwy.
Cop asks for driver’s licence etc…
Wife of driver is hard of hearing and says “Eh what did he say?”
Husband tells her.
Cop comes back and gives a warning.
Wife says “Eh what did he say?”
Husband tells her.
Cop says “Is your wife hard of hearing?”
Driver says “Yes she is”
Wife says “Eh what did he say?”
Driver says “He thinks you’re pretty”
Cop says “Your licence says you’re from Thorold, I once dated a woman from Thorold”
“Worst blow job I ever had”
Wife says “Eh what did he say?”
Husband says “He thinks he knows you”

Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy medicine, but not health.
Money can buy sex, but not love.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me, immediately.
I need it for Christmas

Just Kidding

1. Don,t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in a nappy.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Shut the door quickly.

 

3. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

 

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be out alone.

 

 5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

 

 6. MEN are all the same – they just have different faces so that you
can tell them apart.

 

 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

 

10. Love may be blind, but marriage is the real eye-opener.

 

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

 

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times men wouldn’t ask for directions.

 

13. If he asks ‘what sort of books you’re interested in’, tell him cheque books.

 

14. Remember ‘a sense of humour’ does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

 

 15. Sadly all men are created equal.

That Rubber Thingie

 

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one  gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls.

 

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingyon the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

 

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.”

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

 

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

 

 “What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

 The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

 

 “No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem ike forever.”

The groom comes into the church to take his place by the altar and his
> best man notices that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
> The best man says, “Hey man, I know you’re happy to be getting married,
> but
> what’s up, you look so excited?”
>
> The groom replies, “I just had the BEST blow job I’ve ever had in my
> entire life and now I’m marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
>
> Then the bride comes walking down the aisle and she also has the
> biggest, brightest smile on her face. Her maid of honor notices this
> and says, “Hey girlfriend, I know you’re happy to be getting married,
> but
> what’s up, you look so excited?”
>
> The bride replies “I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire
> life.”

——————
Carpe Diem!!

Oh gosh, this is funny! It doesn’t hurt me…but I have a couple of
friends
who swear that this would be true!!!

Your First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam
and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared
for
the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises
right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and
the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as
hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that
position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t
effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to
slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and
chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the frozen bookends against one
of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again

You are now properly prepared.

Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!

Mom asks son why he has a black eye. “Have you been fighting again?” Son says “No, a lady in church smacked me in the eye.” “why did she do that” asks the mother. “Well I see this woman in church directly in front of me. Her dress is tucked into the crack of her butt, so I unstuck it, yanked it out.” Mother says “Is that when she hit you?” Son says “No, she turned and scowled at me.” “So when did she hit you?”
The kid says “I thought she wanted it back where it was, so I tucked it back in and that’s when she hit me.”

The following are the all time Christmas favourites of the Psychiatrically Challenged

“Schizophreniac’s” all time # 1 top seller – - – - Do you Hear What I Hear?

Voted # 1 by those suffering from various “multiple personality disorders” – - – We Three Queens Disoriented Are

A perennial bestseller to those enduring the cruel effects of “dementia” – - – I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas

The “narcissistic” segment of the population will soon be heard humming and whistling this tune over and over in the malls and shops of our fair cities. Voted #1 for the past 748 years. A monster. – - – Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

A favourite of “manics” everywhere – - – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

Still, after years at the top of the charts, a fave of “paranoids”, although it’s hard to get them to admit it – - Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Who can resist the gentle strains of the anthem to those with “general personality disorders” – - – You Better Watch Out or I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why – - – Waaa Waaa Waa … Wa Wa Wa … Wo Wah …

The definitive Carol of all time, a true classic in the eyes of those suffering with “depression disorders” – - -Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

They try and try and try and try every year to find themselves another favourite to fill their busy minds … but .. but … but … it does them absolutely .. no good. This IS the undisputed heavy weight champion Carol of all time to those suffering from “obsessive-compulsive disorder” – - – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…………(better start again)

A new entry on the charts, climbing all the way up to number three among those suffering from “passive-aggressive personality disorder” – - – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)

And finally,” borderline personality disorder” patients everywhere will be humming and singing their own all time favourite, of course, – - – Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Merry Christmas … Ho3

Personally, I think I’ll probably be heard humming … “I think I’ll be home for Christmas” … (short term memory problems .. hee hee) … and … She’ll be singing … Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell ……… on and on and on ….

lol

=8)

You must always lie.

Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic , such as “spike. ”

Broads like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

If you don’t get sex whenever you desire, your balls will shrivel up. Enforce this rule at all times.

The best sex position is you, lying face up… with three broads on top of you.

Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

Pick up line that works, “My broad’s pregant, will you go out with me?

Tell this to your broad before you have sex, “Don’t worry. If you don’t have an orgasm, you won’t get pregnant.”

Broads are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

Remember, Every virgin broad is saving herself for YOU.

Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

Life is just one great big competition. If you meet someone who is better than you at anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick their ass.

Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meanings. Do so.

Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn’t your fault.

If whatever you’re doing does not completely satisfy you in 5 minutes, it’s really not worth doing it.

Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your broad picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up other broads.

Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don’t ask. People will think you have no penis.

“Love” is not in your vocabulary. don’t even think about saying it.

Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

Broads find it attractive if a man has had more broads than baths.

It is never, under any circumstances your duty to take responsibility for any of your actions.

Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, breasts, and so on.

Real men beat up others who are inferior. We don’t want inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

When you tell a broad about your past, it’s good to say, “God, I was such a pimp back then.”

Here’s a good trick. Tell a broad that you’re going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad’s room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON’T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

Play with yourself. Talk about it with each person you come into contact with on a daily basis.

Drink lot of Beer. Then … drink more beer.

Broads do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

 

Here’s a few fun things to do in case you get bored of booze, food and partying over the Holiday season.

 

(IF EASILY OFFENDED, Please … JUST GO AWAY NOW … =8)

 

You can learn how to play a BUTT HARP
This instrument of pleasure is a round ball (possibly the size of a golf ball) and a string that is attached to the ball. The object of the game is to insert the ball into another’s asshole and then use a bow (from a violin or a cello) and play the string. The vibrations caused are quite pleasurable.
I’ve also heard of a metal ball that has a hole for an acoustic bass guitar string in it that you connect to some electric source, and the other end to the person involved for electro stimulation of the anatomy in question. I bet this could be combined with the bow to get some interesting effects. The electric butt harp. Too bad Jimi Hendrix is not here to play it.

Who could resist the best-selling home version of DUCK JOBS
Don’t confuse this with the Classic-New Orleans “Duck-job”, popularized in the Bordellos of that town at the turn of the last century. The “Duck-job” was performed by the “john” impaling the duck in the egg canal, holding it firmly by the wings, and then having an assistant cut off the ducks head. Tales of one person duck-jobs exist, but apparently it required considerable dexterity to avoid cutting oneself. Anyway the resultant death-throws, accompanied by much flapping and kicking, was reputed to be a favourite kink amongst those who had become jaded by the standard fare of hookers. I have it on good authority (from a member of one of the federal security agencies) that you can do this alone by slamming the head of the duck in a drawer at the right moment (reputedly “you get more action that way.”)

Looking for a new solitary sexual sensation but can’t afford an Accu-Jac™? Then EARTHWORMING could be just the thing for you!
Collect a handful of earthworms (or visit your local bait shop and purchase a pound of night crawlers). Place said nematodes into a plastic sandwich bag. Add a quarter-cup of salad oil and knead lightly to distribute the oil evenly. Plunge your dick right in! And when you’re done, you can conveniently add the contents of the bag to one of the family’s favourite of breakfast entrees … the omelette. (Alternatively you can fuck a jar full of worms, for best result stick the worms in the microwave first so they burst and you’ll have one of the slipperiest fucks ever!)

Ever rising in popularity is a game known as FISHBOWLING
NO, you don’t hurl a ball down an alley to bowl trout over. In this exotically erotic pastime, the head is inserted in an appropriately sized genuine fishbowl. The one you love stands above you and defecates onto the fishbowl so that the logs may be seen by you, up close and personal, as they drool down the sides of the bowl. Supposedly works best in a threesome situation while the person on their back receives simultaneous oral sex.

The fastest growing amusement of the last decade of the century … LARD SHAGGING
Worker in a fast-food restaurant everywhere, are taking cardboard containers of lard, punching a dick-sized hole in the side, fucking the hole, then replacing the container on the shelf to be used in cooking. Ah yes, a good one, as some have a glans too sensitive for the juices in melons or pumpkins in which it it also customary among lonely men to drill fuck orifices.

On those cold nights when you just can’t seem to find a way to stay warm … NOSTRILLATIO
Close one of your nostrils with a finger, and poke a bit around your partners slime slit with your nose, while you mumble words of affection. Then place your open nostril over her clit and violently snort it up while at the same time you start head banging to queued music. Anything really heavy does it best, like Metallica. The broad will experience the wildest orgasms, and you might even be rewarded with a wet vaginal ejaculation right in the mouth. It is said to enhance her pleasure if you have a stuffy, runny nose kind of cold. Works best with long clitorises. Half an inch is generally regarded as minimum in the business, but a fully erect big pink one incher is fabulous. The way that baby flops around in the jet stream of a good snort is simply amazing.

A fun amusement using balloons … VAGINAL INFLATION, CUNNIBUBBLING, and also known as PUSSY POPPING
One of my friends told me that someone who knows her drug dealer’s girlfriend’s father’s ex wife told my friend’s cousin, or was it my cousin’s friend …. anyway … I heard that women could get unspeakable pleasure if you inflate a balloon to bursting inside her vagina. But they would have to be the long thin ones, used to make balloon animals, so as to derive the maximum pleasure. Just think about it… stick it in her vagina all the way up to the opening of the balloon and then slowly inflate. While it inflates, the length of it will slowly drive her into unbearable ecstasy! If she hasn’t had an orgasm by the time it’s fully inflated, slide it in and out for a while until she’s about to have one. Then just as she’s about to have it, stick a pin in it so it blows up while still inside her! It’ll send her WAY over the top!

And finally, how about the ever popular and pleasurable diversion offered by the act of COW CUNNILINGUS
You ever seen a cow shit? That slack, gaping cloacum just yawning open, the pungent brown sludge lazily oozing out? Well, you know that cows don’t have vaginas, just the one multi-purpose orifice. Imagine going out in a field, naked, looking forward to performing cunnilingus, say … on that attractive Hereford you’d noticed while driving by. The one with lots of flies buzzing around it’s ass. Other cows curiously gather around when you find her and dive right at her opening. The hole is so big you can almost put your whole head in there, and you’re just busily licking away, occasionally pulling out a bemired head to breathe, jacking off with one hand, when the cow just casually dumps a reeeally messy, sticky hot load right into your face. The semi-liquid sewage forces its way in your mouth, up your nostrils, down your throat, and the anus contracts, sucking your head inside, and you’re trapped, asphyxiating, coming in spurts as you die, and your naked, cum-soaked corpse is dragged around the pasture by the head in the cow’s rectum until your parents come out in a few days, scaring off the vultures and crows, and find it.

Can you imagine what it’d sound like if you snuck up behind somebody with his head up a cow’s arse and kicked him in the balls? I’d advise having a tape recorder handy, because I’m sure the resulting muffled yelp would have an extravagantly unique and delicate timbre to it.

=8)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say
they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
-Johnny Carson

The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope, suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.

Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn’t happen the rope would break and everyone would
perish.

For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

If a redneck marries his sister, can she still be his cousin?
Redneck foreplay…”Git in th’ truck bitch”

The definition of a sadist is someone who will NOT spank a masochist.

A Cowboy’s three wishes
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.

“You have been sentenced to death,” said the Chief, “but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.”

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, “Well, for my first wish, I’ll need my horse.”

“Give him his horse,” said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horse’s ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her.

“Second wish,” said the Chief.

“I’ll need my horse again,” said the cowboy.

“Give him his horse,” said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before.

“This is your last wish,” said the Chief, “make it a good one.”

“I’ll need my horse again.”

“Give him his horse,” said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse’s head, and put his face right up to the horse’s.

“I said POSSE!”

A gentleman walks into an opthamologist’s office with a violin case. He waits for his appointment and in time is shown into the doctor’s office.
The doctor asks, “What seems to be the problem?”
The gentleman replies, “Well . . . it’s this,” pointing to the violin case that he has placed on the doctor’s desk.
The doctor says, “It’s a violin case. So what?”
The gnetleman says, “Open it.”
The doctor does so and reels back in shock. Inside the case is a single huge, freashly laid turd, so large as to fill the entire case.
The doctor loses his professional demeanor and begins to tell the man off. “You FILTHY DISGUSTING…!” at which point the gentleman interupts, saying, “I did that myself.”
The doctor, trying to be professional, says, “Well, you should see your family doctor about it. There’s nothing I can do.”
The gentleman replies, “No, no, you don’t understand. Every time I do one of those … my eyes water.”

=8)

Three guys, Frenchman, German and an Italian gentleman are comparing notes on what gets their women hot and wild.
French guy says … “Ahhh … zee sex wiz zee oral style … zat always drives my Fifi crazzzzzzy wiz lust …. She go crazy for zis”.
German guy say…. “Ach, my wife she love da anal zex … She get zo hot … she get crazy on me”.
Italian guy says … “I understoonzo whadda ya meenkia. I tella ya to you, my Gina she lika da sex. She go crazy alla da time … Buta she like besta .. I fock and fock hard … oh … my baby she go nuts. And everytime I finish …. I lika wipa my dick ona her velvet drapes …. OH .. you shoulda see how crazy dat make her ….. Sunna ma Bitch …. She go crazy!”

A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So
she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She
carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out
jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the
vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching
drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of
this highway occurs. It’s not very long before a police car
shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde
of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the hell is going on here?”

“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.

“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!”
asks the cop.

And she said…

(This is good…)

(Ready?)

(Remember, she’s a blonde…)

“Those are my emergency flashers!” she replied

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

 

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”

 

The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”

 

“How does he drive you crazy?”

 

“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”

 

The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”

 

“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”

 

“Hmm, anything else?”

The wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”

 

“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”

 

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”

 

The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”

 

The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”

 

The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”

 

The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”

 

The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”

 

The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”

 

“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”

 

The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”

 

“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.

 

And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

 

“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”

 

One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor. So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix. He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore. This is Wonderbar! He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay. She screamed “Oh Henry”, as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M’s. Miss Hershey said; “Your are even better than the Three Muskateers”. To which Mr. Goodbar replied; “When you’re this big they call you Mr.”. Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.

Two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, “I just have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute.”

 

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.

 

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, “The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!”

 

 

Jail Warden Voyeur Falls to Death

A Mexican jail warden fell to his death while spying on couples during their conjugal visits, crashing down next to a Nicaraguan prisoner and his wife having sex, local media reported on Tuesday.

Raul Zarate Diaz, prison warden in Tapachula, on Mexico’s southern border with Guatemala, fell 23 feet (7 metres) to his death after tripping on a skylight looking over the conjugal visits section, La Cronica newspaper and InfoRed radio said.

The warden had with him binoculars and a pornographic magazine, La Cronica said, citing local law enforcement sources.

An official answering the phone at the prison told Reuters on Tuesday that police were investigating but refused to provide further details.

The prisoner who was interrupted attempted to start a riot, but the intent was squelched by prison security, the newspaper said